Sunday, February 25, 2007

Decisions, Decisions...

Well, this weekend was the weekend to think of having a baby.
Yes, even though I have always thought that I would not have one, Jeff and I discuss it every once in a while and come up with the same conclusion. But we still speak about it anyway.
We have been together for 21 years now. We have had our ups and downs. There were many years that were as tough as hell...but we made it through. There are also many years, including the present, that I couldn't ask for anything better.
When we first got together, back in 1985, we were only 16-17 yrs. old, and way too young and nieve to even think about kids. We couldn't decide what we going to do on the weekends, let alone a big decision of having a family. We broke up for a year and got back together again. Never skipping a beat. Still being young, the family thought never crossed our mind. After a couple more years together, we got engaged. Knowing that we wanted to be together forever. Unfortunately, we had other things going on in our lives that made things impossible to do everything we wanted to. We had other committments, other priorities...but we made it through, and in 1995 we had a wedding that made me feel like a princess for a day. We did it all on our own, and enjoyed every minute of it.
Now came the decision of whether we would stay in NYC or move to Florida. We decided to move to Florida, with almost no money to our names, and no jobs to start. Times got hard again, money was not there, we couldn't even think about having a family. We discussed it, being newly married, that was 'supposed' to be one of the topics of conversation. But we also knew that if we were getting eviction notices, and bouncing grocery store checks, there was no way that we would even think of bringing a child in to this world.
We got good jobs, we got a nicer apartment, things were looking up. Then we finally scraped up enough to get our first home. The topic came up again...should we start a family now? We came to the same We just started 'living' and we knew that a baby would totally change everything. We wanted to have 'our time' now that we could start living it. So the subject went away again...
Now that we have been living in our home for 5 years, have established roots and have a pretty secure financial backing...we started thinking about it once more. The pros and cons, the good and the bad. I actually wanted to do it...surprise, surprise. The one who never had that biological clock ticking, or feel motherhood knocking on my door was seriously thinking that I could do it. I could raise a child for us. I could change my whole life and give him the one thing that I know he's wanted for so long. We sat and spoke, and spoke and spoke. We surprised each other by being on the other side of the fence from each other. The one who always wanted a child, decided that it was too risky and showed me all the ways that it wouldn't be something that would be in our future. And the one who never wanted to have a child, decided that we could. But after speaking for a long time about it...crying, and hurting over it...we both decided that we would not have a child. And we also knew that this would be the last time that we would be speaking on this subject. We let this idea go...never to come back again.

And the one thing we both promised to each regrets, no looking back.

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